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The ad reiterated that the service is for “busy professionals.” Which means my excuse for resorting to such a service would presumably be my busy professional-ness—rather than the more obvious “I’m pathologically insecure! I scheduled the introductory meeting over the phone with a woman named Lizzie.

(Never mind the fact it is completely ridiculous for an adult to call herself Lizzie.) I put a depressingly large amount of effort into my appearance as I readied for the in-person meeting.

The last of my still-single law school girlfriends showed up for dinner this past Friday with a 1.5-carat engagement ring.

His son was bragging to all his friends that they had done it!

I’ll also admit to re-initiating contact with an ex from my third year of law school—the former Army Ranger best remembered for his unusual enthusiasm for his Breville juicer, premature ejaculation issues and borderline antisocial personality disorder.

I spent my last five years in Chicago attempting to forge lasting (i.e.: ultimately marital) relationships with friends of friends, and I’m still totally alone.

Since what I’m really looking for is a high-earner with the financial wherewithal to slip a ,000 ring onto my left hand after a whirlwind courtship, it seemed like a reasonable price…

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